The Chaos That Is Me (book)

Book Synopsis

Synopsis of The Chaos That Is Me - My Journey Through A Lifetime of Trauma 

My name is SHAWNA WHALEY (45) and I was born in 1979. I grew up in an abusive, impoverished home in Southeast Ohio during the 1980s and 1990s. While my parents were married when I was born, they divorced when I was still very young in 1985. My mother then went on to remarry in 1986 but then was later divorced again. 

When my mom wasn't married, she had a number of different boyfriends that would be in and out of my life over the years. At one point, she drove us across the country with one of her boyfriends in a U-Haul vehicle. My older siblings and I sat on the floorboard between the seats and my mom held my younger sister on her lap. The relationship ended in disaster and we had to sell everything we owned to fly back to Ohio.

Once back in Ohio, my mother relied on government assistance to pay bills because she didn't work and didn't yet have her driver's license. However, instead of actually paying bills she would use that assistance to purchase drugs. This resulted in us constantly being evicted from our homes and being forced to move. There were several times where we were homeless throughout my childhood and at least one time when we lived in a home without running water or electricity. 

There was a lot of physical violence in my childhood; including one instance where a babysitter beat me with a belt until I was covered in black and blue welts because I had gotten sick in the bathroom beside the toilet instead of in the toilet. My older sister and I would also engage in very physical fights over the years and there were multiple instances where I had to separate my mother and older sister from a physical fight. In addition to the physical violence I experienced growing up, I also experienced a lot of neglect, emotional abuse, mental abuse, and some sexual abuse. 

There was a lot of alcohol and drug use throughout my entire childhood and into my teen years. I started smoking cigarettes when I was 9 and 1/2 years old. As a teenager, my mother would buy the drugs and alcohol for the teenage guys I went to school with to come to our house and party. She would frequently sleep with these teenage boys as soon as they hit 18. My oldest sister ALYSHIA ended up overdosing on drugs and passing away in 2019.

Starting from the time I was around 14 or 15 I have dealt with severe issues with my back. I had my first back surgery when I was 19 years old. It was 2 days after my senior prom and I was not able to go back to school that year. The only reason I graduated is because my high school sent a tutor to my house to help me get my credits. I have applied for social security disability twice and have been turned down both times. I now can only work from home because I have to lie down during my lunch and my breaks. 

When I was 19 years old my mother kicked me out on Christmas Eve because I had a job and it was interfering with the amount of food stamps she received. We would continue to make up off and on throughout the rest of my life until she passed away from a heart attack. Most of the times when we were off she would tell me I was dead to her on the phone and then disconnect the call after screaming and yelling at me.

I married in 2003 when I was 24 years old. My husband turned out to be a very controlling, manipulative, abusive man. We had two daughters together. At one point, I realized that living with him felt exactly like how I felt when I lived with my mother and I realized how abusive he was as a result. He constantly put me down and told me my back pain was all in my head. 

He would ask me questions about something he couldn't remember correctly and when I gave him the correct answer he would blow up at me. He would accuse me of not knowing what I was talking about. Other times, he would hold me down and tell me that if I didn't consent to having intercourse with him that he would force me. At the time I was terrified because I knew I wouldn't be able to fight him off and I didn't want my daughters to see that happening. I would give in to him because I felt that giving in would be better than being forced. A counselor later told me that this is the same thing as being forced because I only consented to protect myself. If you were to ask my ex-husband, he would tell you that I knew he was joking and not being serious, but I honestly and truly did not know that and was terrified.

When I finally came to terms with the fact that I needed to get out and get my daughters away from the abusive situation we were in I realized that I needed a plan to support myself and my girls. I knew I couldn't hold down a job where I had to work on my feet because of my back. I decided to enter college so I could receive a degree in an office field that would provide me with a desk job. 

Unfortunately, I ended up having to have back surgery after college graduation and had to wait several months to heal before I could go to work. Once I was working, I continued to stay through the abuse making excuses for why I couldn't leave yet, until one day when he threatened to punch me in the face and I looked down. My youngest daughter, who was about 4 years old, was standing between us looking up at me. I took my daughters and moved out shortly after and filed for divorce. My divorce was finalized in 2014 and I've spent the last 10 years struggling to support myself and my children.